For this week’s Monday Minute Jennifer shares with us some ways we can rise up from the ache of infertility.
Rise Up from the Ache of Infertility
by Jennifer Wake
Lady Macbeth saying “Out out damn spot” resonates deeply with me. She saw imaginary spots of blood on her hands which caused her to go insane. When I was struggling to become a mom, I did not see imaginary spots, instead every month I saw the spots that meant no baby this month. I would shout her line to God, and I would want to crawl into a black hole to avoid the ache.
The ache of infertility comes in many forms.
Some women are born without a uterus, some without ovaries, others have hormonal imbalances. Some women don’t marry when they can have kids. Not being able to have kids comes in many forms but the pain is real, deep, and overwhelming.
God blessed me with our first child when we first started trying. Doctors and friends had told me to use a different birth control when I stopped taking the pill. We decided we wanted to start our family so we did not use any other method. God blessed us with our first child about 10 months later. We wanted three or four kids so we did not use any birth control after her birth.
Months went by and every month we did not get pregnant.
Years went by and our daughter started preschool. Still no baby and my “biological clock” was ticking loudly. I finally met a doctor who listened to me. We got pregnant and lost that baby. And the next. And then a third.
I wanted to give up, curl in a ball and never come out again. But God sent me back to that same doctor again. This time she said she wanted to try a new “cocktail” of hormones on me. I was nervous and my husband was scared. The first few “cocktails” of hormones turned me into a crazy lady who attacked randomly, gained weight, and didn’t sleep. After a few days of prayers and many crying sessions, we decided to try this last “cocktail.” Four weeks passed and then another week. Then another. I took a pregnancy test and held on to it, not wanting to see the negative sign, praying for the positive sign. Yet, I was terrified of the positive sign because of all the miscarriages.
With my husband holding me tight, we looked at the test and saw the positive sign.
Yea!!! “What if” started coming out of my mouth. My husband was scheduled to deploy in nine months. My list of “what if’s” was long and irrational. Things like “What if you deploy and I am still pregnant?” Yes, I was two months along and he was deploying in 9 months… but still. We prayed and we talked and we did not tell anyone except our doctor.
At my three month check the doctor told me my due date was exactly four weeks before my husband’s deployment. Thank God. I asked about how the baby was growing. She said the cocktail was helping me carry this baby to term. Everything was looking good, but because of my years of infertility, my age, and multiple miscarriages I was deemed to be high risk. All that means in the Army system was lots more appointments and tests.
Once I passed the six month mark, my doctor believed I would be able to carry the baby to term. My “what if’s” list grew shorter and shorter. As my belly grew so did the worry about the deployment coming up fast. My due date was four4 weeks before the deployment. The “standard” was to allow the service member to stay back if their baby was due within a week of deployment.
My due date came and went.
I went to the doctor every day. Finally I was over a week late so the doctor decided to induce me. My husband’s command allowed him to stay back to wait for the birth. Forty-one hours later my daughter finally came out. She waited until 11:53pm on February 29. She was born on a very rare day and is still special to this day.
As I was walking through my season of infertility and loss, I often cried out to God to stop the spots, to allow me to be a mom. One of my friends, who never had a baby, once held me during my crying fits. She reminded me that no matter what happened I could help other women. Her body could not carry a baby yet she was a mother to women around her. She did not allow her loss to control her view of life. God taught her to share her heart with women around her. The two of us went to see a small local production of Lady Macbeth. When I heard that line, I did not lose my composure, lose my mind. God has brought me through a very trying time to see the other side of infertility.
How can you help women around you rise up from the ache of infertility or struggle with fertility issues? Are you dealing with fertility issues, if so please reach out to women around you or to our community at Planting Roots.
Pause: Think about your feelings, look deep and embrace what you are feeling.
Connect: Reach out to women around you. Reach out to your husband, he is walking beside you.
Pray: Pour your heart out to God. He wants to help you, comfort you.
Lord, you are Jehovah-Rapha, our healer. You make us perfect, you don’t make mistakes. You know our inner hearts and our fears. Lord, please help us, send us people to help us through these times of pain and heartache. Amen.
If you would like the Planting Roots Prayer Team to pray for your specific needs, feel free to submit a confidential request on our Prayer Page.